Let The Wait Transform You

Noah trusted God, took action, and waited on the flood to come for more than 100 years. Shew! That’s a long time to look crazy to those who don’t understand.

Abraham and Sarah endured 25 years of questions (and doing things their own way) before their promise was delivered. 

Five years ago, I found myself sitting in the floor on my knees sobbing in front of the baby girl shoes at Baby Depot, a soft whisper flowed through my spirit.

“A baby girl is promised to walk this earth with you.”

The remainder of my composure broke. What was I to make of that? 

Thirty minutes prior, I had been sitting in my parent’s den begging God to talk to me in the worst moments of my life. The bleeding was getting heavier, the cramping stronger. But I was believing God for a miracle. I was believing Him to resurrect my baby girl in my womb. I had seen her little heart beating and I wanted it to beat again. I had never believed so big. I never even had a gauge for that level of faith. This was all new. I was called a fool for it. But God was doing something in me. Something I was unaware of even in those moments. 

I was learning that with faith comes action. “Ok Father,” I whispered, “show me my action. Tell me what to do.” I waited for something profound…

God: “Burlington.” 

Me: “I’m sorry, what?” 

God: “Get in your car.” 

Me: “And go to Burlington???” 

I mean gifts are my love language, so shopping is cool, but now? In the middle of this? Was I hearing correctly? 

I got up, almost like something else was carrying my body, and left. “I’ll guide you.” Another sweet whisper came. 

I had gained my composure a little by the time I reached the store. I walked in unsure of why I was there and walked back to the baby section. Walking around, asking why I was there, brokenness washed over me again. I fell to my knees without any regard as to where I was. Then came the whisper flowing through every fiber of my being. 

“A baby girl is promised to walk this earth with you.” 

I thought it was a sign. I thought He was affirming my belief that she’d be raised from the dead. But, before I parked in my driveway 20 minutes later, it was happening. I ran into my house and to my horror began birthing my daughter at 12 weeks. 

I didn’t understand. I’m pretty sure I just heard Him whisper that a daughter was promised to me.

So, was I a fool?

I believed Him for this.

I claimed this.

But he didn’t do it.

Why was this happening?

What were people going to think of me?

How do I get through this?

Will I ever have another child?

Did I hear God or was that my own imagination? 

Questions and thoughts raced through my mind amid the anguish and brokenheartedness. I was confident that I heard God, not manifested my own thoughts for comfort. But, what did it mean? What was He doing in all of this pain?

Over the next several weeks I asked the Father to confirm that He had whispered a promise to me.

And y’all, He did, in sooo many ways!

Through His word, through other’s words, through aptly timed songs that He directed me to, through whispers to investigate the meaning of Hebrew words, He flooded me with confirmations. I still didn’t understand but I knew He was so close to me in this and He was doing something transformative in me.

Everything I walked through, every scripture He led me to, every question the Holy Spirit asked me, brought me to a deeper intimacy with God, Yahweh, the Great I Am, Abba, my Creator. I couldn’t explain it, but there was such growth and peace even in the heartache.

Five years have passed since that day in Baby Depot. Five years since I received a promise from God. I’ve had five miscarriages and received another beautiful baby BOY in the middle of them.

In September of this past year, I was confident my promise was finally coming to fruition. Signs I had prayed for were being confirmed. I was hearing so much about promises and a double portion. He even seemed to confirm my suspected possibility of twins with a random double rainbow.  Prophecies were being spoken by people about a girl and twins and it appeared to be all lining up. Then, in the blink of an eye it was all shattered. 

I started spotting. Cramping and low back pain became intense. The flow progressed and I was losing a lot of blood. I knew it was different than before. The other miscarriages did not seem to be quite this heavy this quick. 

At 11 weeks pregnant, I was admitted to the hospital for severe blood loss. Around 11 p.m. I birthed my identical twins.  

Let me stop here and say that all of my miscarriages were natural. I believed from the very first one that God told me not to ever take it out of His hands. So, each time He walked me through with no medical intervention. My doctors and midwife were all on board with this. And, each time was exactly like the process of giving birth for me with contractions and all. We had also went through some infertility testing with no answers being found. 

The twins, it appeared, had stopped developing around 7 to 8 weeks. I sat with Jesus for a long time in this. Everything about this pregnancy’s viability had been confirmed, or so I thought. It seemed so divinely ordained that I didn’t understand how this could happen. How was I so wrong? 

So now what?

What do you do when you think you’ve heard so clear and then nothing pans out?

I was an emotional and spiritual wreck. Begging God for answers and trying to discern out all that was going on. I was physically spent as well with my labs at suggested transfusion levels.

I had to lean on what I knew in this.

GOD. IS. GOOD.

I know that.

I believe that with every fiber of my being.

And, somehow, this was good. Although seeing that was very blurry in the moment. But regardless of how blurry, I still had a promise. I am still waiting on my baby girl. In all of this heartache I could choose to give up and say I’m never going to try for kids again. Especially after this last traumatic loss. But God made me a promise and if I choose to tie His hands in it then I will never get to live in the fullness of that promise. And I believe without a shadow of a doubt that it’s still coming. I believe His words to me. One day, I will birth a beautiful baby girl who will walk this earth with me. I don’t know when that will be, but I trust His promises. 

I don’t know if you’re waiting on something. If you’re waiting on the promise of a baby, or even just the hope of one.

I don’t know if you’re waiting on a healing, a spouse, a salvation, chains of addiction to be broken, the pain of grief to ease, the job to come through, the mortgage payment to be settled, or any number of other things that are hard in the natural. 

But, in the waiting please ask God what He wants to do in you. Don’t let the enemy have victory in the heartbreak and the pain. Even though it sucks in the natural, there is something amazing in the supernatural that is waiting for you on the other side.

I beg you to not let that escape you.

There’s a new level of faith that your Father wants to launch you too.

A new awareness of love that your Creator wants to give you.

A deeper grasp of His word that He wants to reveal His mysteries through. 

Even when you don’t understand, even when you’re angry, even when you’re hopeless, even when the physical pain is too much to bare, even when the tears seem dry, even when the questions are roaring in your mind… God is good. That means somehow your circumstance, even with all the hard, is for good. Your good for His glory always. Ask for eyes to see that. Beg for your mind to be able to grasp that. Cling onto Him so your heart is in a posture to receive that. Let Him transform you and launch you to a deeper intimacy with your Savior; an intimacy more than you even knew to ask for.

Peace, Love, Shalom.

Thanks Kristen Clabaugh Photography for the use of the beautiful image with this post!