Shattering the Silence: My Journey of Healing from Teen Dating Violence Part 1

It doesn’t just stay in the past.

It isn’t something that just happens to you and then goes away.

It is trauma…

A trauma that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

And here’s the thing about trauma, you HAVE to heal from it. Otherwise, it will keep you pinned to the ground with no way to tap out.

 Personally, I have had more than my fair share of trauma. I have experienced enough to fill several Lifetime movies, and let me tell you, it sucks. However, I refuse to let my past dictate my future. I choose to grow and move forward.

 One of the most common questions I get asked when I speak is, “why did you stay?” And my answer is simple: I was a frog in a boiling pot.

He wasn’t punching my lights out from the start of the relationship. He was sweet and kind and caring and loving.

He conditioned me to that guy. The awesome amazing guy who was sweet and considerate. Then he GRADUALLY flipped the switch.

From there, threats started and I felt trapped.

I stayed to protect myself.

I stayed to protect my family. 

I stayed to protect him.

Healing from trauma is not a one-size-fits-all process. Everyone’s journey is unique, and you need to find the healing process that works best for you.

A critical component of healing is forgiveness, but the layers of forgiveness you need to walk through may differ from others.

Here’s the thing to remember though…once trauma occurs, ANY form of trauma, your brain and body hold onto it.

Triggers can bring back intense feelings and memories, even after years have passed. 

For example, to this day I can’t see or pour a 2-liter Pepsi without being taken back to a particular incident from that abusive relationship.

I don’t pour Pepsi often, but if I’m serving at a youth event or have a once in a blue moon soda… the feelings of one specific moment come rushing back. It doesn’t happen with any other drink or any other size of Pepsi. The experience is etched into my subconscious mind.

Our subconscious, which controls our emotions, survival instincts, and memory accounts for over 80% of our computing power. Meaning our conscious mind, our intentional computing, accounts for less than 20%.

Within the subconscious mind lies the amygdala. The amygdala is a part of our subconscious mind that controls emotions, survival instincts, and memory. The amygdala controls our subconscious mind so powerfully that it actually makes decisions for us.

That means when trauma goes unhealed and undealt with you have no choice but to operate in an out-of-control place because your amygdala keeps going into overdrive.

It’s like a fire alarm that keeps ringing even after the fire is put out.

Unhealed trauma can make you feel like you’re constantly in fight or flight mode, and your mind and body both react. When trauma lives buried in your subconscious, it will rise to the top in times of chaos and frustration.

Reactions can be mental or physical. As I’ve mentored women over the years I’ve seen symptoms from headaches to stomach pain to chronic illness to low estrogen to thyroid issues to years of living with anxiety to depression to stuttering and the list goes on.

There’s also no timeline on healing or rules on how you should heal. 

Just take my story for instance. Here I am…almost thirty years later telling you that I still deal with the ramifications of the trauma I experienced as a teenager. 

It’s no longer paralyzing like it was in the first few years following the relationship. But the triggers are still there. However, I sought out healing and developed tools to overcome. I’ve done that with each instance of trauma in my life and I’ve counseled others in their healing as well.

Here’s what I want to stick though… the people that you give access to in your life will impact you forevermore. It can be a positive or a negative impact. 

I am a forty…um…forty something year old woman and I am still impacted by abuse I incurred as a teenager. Not because I choose it. But because my brain and my body were forevermore affected by it. It was stamped into my being, and I had to CHOOSE to let Jesus heal it. 

I had to CHOOSE to overcome it. 

I had to CHOOSE to seek counseling and get guidance on the right tools to help me deal with it.

Now, faith and healing is a whole other subject we will talk about later. But for now let me encourage you to heal from your trauma. Dig deep and do the work before it rears its ugly head in unexpected times like a fight with your spouse that has nothing to do with them; or while giving birth; or when you’re under a lot of pressure from work; or when your kids jar a childhood memory; or any other plethora of unpredicted circumstances.

Healing from trauma matters for every aspect of your life. 

Stay tuned…I’ll see you in part 2.