Miscarriage: Dealing With The Losses
Seven.
Two.
Five.
The number of pregnancies I’ve had.
The number of children I have.
The number of losses I’ve had.
You can say it. Those odds suck. They do. There’s no point in tip toeing around that fact.
My first pregnancy was a complete surprise. We had been married for ten years, really hoping to get pregnant for three years, and actually trying for a year. I found out VERY early at just under four weeks pregnant due to an unplanned ER visit. We were in shock and ecstatic. Even though it had been a seemingly long road to getting pregnant, we had not ventured into the infertility area yet.
This pregnancy was amazing and showed no complications. I delivered a perfectly healthy ten-pound, five-ounce baby boy at 41 weeks. I experienced an amazing, natural birth in a hospital setting with a very supportive medical staff.
On April 8th 2014, I was doing dishes when I heard God tell me I was pregnant. I was taken aback but elated. After gathering my composure, I took a pregnancy test. Positive! I calculated that I would be due the day after my son’s third birthday.
During our first ultrasound the heartbeat was low. When we went back for the follow-up ultrasound, we were told our baby girl had stopped developing. I miscarried her at 12 weeks. During our third and fourth pregnancies, the babies did not develop past five weeks.
When I became pregnant for the fifth time, I was overwhelmed with joy and on shaky ground at the same time. At six weeks I started bleeding for no apparent reason and thought, “Oh no, here we go again.” We fell on our faces and prayed for life. (Not that we hadn’t done that in previous pregnancies.) I stopped bleeding as quick as I had started. No explanations. My second son (fifth child) was born at 39 weeks weighing in at eight pounds and three ounces. Exactly the weight I had prayed for him to weigh.
Just before my second son’s first birthday, I found out I was pregnant again. Surprise! I was overjoyed and thought after having another successful pregnancy, we were out of the woods. I went for my seven-week appointment, but the ultrasound only showed a development of five weeks. So, there we were again.
Now, six months later, I’m broken once more after the loss of identical twins. My fifth miscarriage. In addition to the gut-wrenching heartache, this one has sidelined me physically due to significant blood loss. It has also left me with a lot of questions spiritually. Questions that I may or may not get answers to. This road is bumpy, and I don’t understand any of it.
But, here’s my reality. Is God good? Is He, Yahweh, Yahovah, Creator of the Universe, I AM WHO I AM, The One true Living God, good? If He is, then this, somehow, is still good. Even in the madness, hurt and uncertainty, I still trust. I still believe.
The losses have been hard. Hard emotionally. Hard spiritually. And, hard physically. But, in the hard there have been blessings. There has been growth. There has been more dying to self and renewed strength. Losing my second child was difficult on so many levels. But, the excruciating pain birthed a new level of faith that I never even knew to ask for. God used the heartbreak of my loss to propel me forward into a deeper intimacy with Him. His voice became clearer, His love more tangible.
I cannot explain in this one little paragraph all that God did in each loss, but I can tell you God carried me through my horror. He did not abandon me. He was not the cause of any of my losses. Did He allow them? Yes. Did He cause them to happen? No. We live in a fallen world, and the ruler of this fallen world has access to an insurmountable arsenal of weapons. It’s a war we are aware of and that we try to prepare for. But, it’s a war we may never fully understand. God understand all. He knows of events that will unfold in the future that we have no way of foreseeing. He allows hard circumstances in our lives to prepare us for a battle we know nothing about. He uses the hard situations to launch us into a new level of faith.
Shortly after my baby girl’s due date, while my Heavenly Father was ever so close to me in the heartbreak, He gently started a conversation with me. That conversation resulted in Him asking one of the hardest questions I’ve ever been faced with. He said, “Lori, my beautiful daughter, would you rather have your baby girl born into the depravities of the earth and forget every ounce of intimacy you’ve gained with me. Or, would you rather have more of me?”
That’s a hard question. As a mother, all I want is to hold and nurture each child I have held in my womb. But, as a daughter of Yahweh, the Living God, Creator of the Universe, all I want is more of Him. My answer is, and will always be, more of Him. That doesn’t mean I’m OK with having to endure a miscarriage. I pray regularly, begging to not have to experience another one. Every single time a positive registers on a stick, I fall on my knees with thanksgiving and praise. But, I also beseech the Lord to not have to suffer heartache again. I have no answers for why it continues to happen. The doctors/midwives have no answers at present. And thus far, God has given no answers as to why He allows it. But, regardless of my experiences on this earth, I know He is good. I trust in His promises. And, my desire will always be more of Him.
I don’t know what kind of heartache you’re suffering through or what unanswered questions you have. But, I pray that you can muster up the courage to hold onto hope and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your God, Yahweh, Elohim is good. When there is terrible anguish in the natural and nothing makes sense, know that He has not abandoned you. Have the guts to ask Him where He wants you to go, and what He wants you to see. And be ready to receive it when He reveals it to you. Be brave enough to ask for more of Him. Do not walk away from any experience the same as when you entered it.
Shalom, Peace, Love.
